How to make your games last longer

Step 1: Give the manual a thorough reading


Excitement dictates that the opening of a freshly purchased game is committed as a frenzied attack on the packaging. This is followed by the swift removal of the disc and its subsequent rapid insertion into the disc hole. SLOW DOWN. The 'life' of a game begins when the disc is first exposed to the atmosphere. There are precious superfluous minutes that can be gained here.

Above: Pissing away time digesting the manual is vital if you want to get the most out of your game
Instead of reaching for the disc, a subtle hand deviation to the opposing side of the case interior will lead you to a compact booklet. This is the instruction manual. Take it out and read it very carefully. Start at the warning page, read all the middle bit and finish at the customer service numbers. If a dedicated 'Notes' section has been provided, be sure to write some notes.
Normally you would've levelled up a couple of times already by now, but you haven't even started playing yet!
Step 2: Select the hardest available difficulty setting before starting


That a game should always be played on the hardest difficulty is one of the basic tenets of our sport, but it's worth reminding any girl gamers that may be reading about the value of this setting. Nothing is more effective for extending the life of a game than making it so difficult that even the basic how-to-move-about tutorial is transformed into a challenge that is insurmountably impossible and impassable.

Above: Hardness = improved longevity
The beneficious combination of low skills and high difficulty will turn your game into an everlasting gobstopper. That is, you keep on sucking and never get anywhere. Let's move on to the next step, which is Step 3.
Step 3: Spend hours creating your character


Never settle for the default character where a customisation option is available. And don't just take the easy option of making a girl in shades with enormo-breasts and a pink afro. Explore every facial, body, hair and clothing variable first.

Above: Why not invest a few pointless hours trying to make American President Barack Obama?
Once you have exhausted every possible permutation of manipulation, then you can make yourself a character that is a chick in shades with enormo-breasts and a pink afro. This pointless process should comfortably add an additional 60 minutes to the overall game time.
Step 4: Don't skip anything


Now you're ready to begin your adventure. Traditionally the start of the game will be filled with a lot of conversational waffle and bloated guffage. As tedious and pointless as this may seem, it's important that you resist the urge to button mash your way through cut-scenes and NPC conversations in the vain hope of getting to some action before you die of oldness. After all, the aim here is make your game last as long as possible.

Through the - hopefully protracted - duration of whatever noble quest you happen to be embarking upon, you will invariably be presented with many story-progressing breaks. It's important that you endure them all. Even if you have already observed them multiple times as a result of the impossible difficulty level causing frequent deaths and forcing repeated replayings of the same sections. Hey, we never said this would be easy Mr Quitter!

Step 5: Use bullet-time whenever possible




Above: Max Payne was a pioneer in eking things out with no extra gameplay
We're sure we don't need to tell you this, but if the game's moving slower than usual, you're going to be playing it for longer. It's simple logic.
Step 6: Obsessively collect everything


Collecting things in games isn't only fun, it's also massively time intensive. It often requires cross-referencing with an internet guide written by someone fluent in ASCII but unfortunately unable to construct anything that remotely resembles intelligible English. The deciphering alone can increase game time dramatically.

Above: You can collect them and then spend more time looking at them
And don't just stop at the special collectibles. You want to search and pick up and examine everything that you can to really get the most out of your game. Don't proceed until every stone has been turned, every pot smashed, every document read, every dead body ransacked. Ensuring you do this will cause further game elongation and consequently assist with the sixth step, Step 6.
Step 7: Be indecisive when choosing which items to drop


If you adhere to Step 5, then you will find yourself perilously over encumbered even before you've got anywhere near completing an actual objective. Dropping items in order to pick up new ones should be a thoughtful, time-consuming process.

Above: Are you sure you want to drop it? It could come in handy later
Don't just chuck things out willy-nilly. Examine your entire inventory with painfully laborious diligence, comparing stats of all items before arriving at a decision. Should you throw out the rat meat or the golden cufflinks of vigor? It's not an easy call, so take your time!
Step 8: Speak to all NPCs at least twice



Above: They talk bollock nonsense, but it's a sure-fire game lengthener speaking to them again and again and again
Not only does sitting through the same inconsequential conversation multiple times lengthen the game by a considerable margin, but it's always best to just check that the townsfolk have got nothing more to say.
Step 9: Sit through the entire credits


The last boss has been beaten. That's it. Well done you! But hang on - this game still has at least 20 minutes to stuff into your eyes. The credits. Now seemingly longer than anything Hollywood can manage, it’s easy to feel that the end credits outstay their welcome with their imposing and lingering presence on your screen. But they should be embraced.

Above: End credits can be time-consuming and mildly entertaining
Some progressive thinking developers have even made credits interesting by making them playable or by using quirky songs or having crazy 'shout out' quotes from members of the development team. Just sit back and relax - they're a great way to unwind and reflect on all the value for money that you've painstakingly squeezed out of the game.